Being Beloved

Sins of the Mother

Mother’s Day is always a bittersweet event for me. Why, you ask? Because. Despite having the best mom in the world, I know that I wasn’t always the best daughter in the world. That’s the bitter part.

Those who remember me from my teens may not even realize what kind of a run for her money I gave my poor mother. We lived in a small town where people had an unfortunate bent towards judgmental thinking and gossip. It probably won’t surprise anyone that I was an exceptionally sensitive and emotional teenager who was very easily hurt in that environment. My very strong and progressively-minded mother had nothing but contempt for judgmental attitudes and gossip, and as a result, I was raised with the expectation that I wouldn’t worry or care about either. I did try. Hard. I didn’t conform, wouldn’t commit to any specific social group, and quietly called out those who were causing difficulty for others. Not surprisingly, that mindset did not endear me to many of my contemporaries. And it left me with little support for my opinions and ideas that were so contrary to the popular logic of the time. Yeah. People didn’t always appreciate me.  As a result, after putting out as many outrageously forward opinions as possible into my hometown environment without success, I left the area to finish my education in a larger centre. And I never looked back. Except to blame my mother for my inability to fit in anywhere.

But that was then. And this is now. Make no mistake…being a 50-something-year-old daughter is very different from being a 15-year-old daughter. I have finally figured out who I am, and what I need. Even at this age, I continue to learn and grow at warp speed, and what I’ve learned about being a daughter since my father’s passing is making me a much better daughter to my fiercely independent and forward-thinking mama. I am so blessed to have this open and redefined mother-daughter relationship in my 50s… That’s the sweet part. That…and the learnings.

My mother was always doing her best for me. No matter what it felt like at the time, she loved me with her entire being and all decisions were made with what she believed to be my best interests at heart. (Funny how easy this was to believe once I was a mother myself.)

Forgiveness is the key to happiness. The unforgiving heart is full of fear, doubt, anger and weakness. It’s important to understand that we all make mistakes, step wrongly, and hurt others – and that we are all connected to one another. Forgiveness is a gift we give our world and ourselves. My mom has always forgiven me – even when I believed I was unforgivable. 

My physical health is too important to take a back seat in my life. I wish that this particular lesson had taken hold a bit earlier than it has, but better late than never. 

There is no substitute for face-to-face contact.  We live in a society filled with fake connections. Technology has given us greater access to one another, but at what cost? We’ve sacrificed honesty, intimacy and deep connection. Choosing to be physically close to another person deepens the sense of importance of the relationship. There’s no doubting the “cool” factor of technology, but sharing real life experiences is more authentic and meaningful by far.  So while I make sure that my mom has a certain level of electronic gadget knowledge, I won’t be giving up our daily chats and regular in-person visits. Nor will my son.

The toughest times were the best learning experiences. Each painful moment has taught me a new life lesson, and for this I am very grateful. The best part is that I know how to pass my knowledge along – or how to manage the times when my son repeats my mistakes. I have been blessed with the privilege of mothering the most wonderful kid on earth. And although I have to work daily on being the best mom I can be, the effort is totally worth it.  Most of what I know about mothering came from my mom. And knowing that this mothering bit is not for the faint at heart – nor for the uncommitted – empowers me to be the best mama I can be in my own right.  

So, being a 50-something-year-old daughter means that I now realize the “why” attached to many of the things that drove me crazy about my mom. She was afraid that she couldn’t stop me from repeating her mistakes. What 15-year-old me saw as rigidity now looks like concern. Rules look like parameters. And nagging looks like the teaching of life lessons. My mother hoped and prayed that I wouldn't revisit her sins. And I didn’t. I sinned my own sins. My mother stood by me all the while. She staved off my monsters, held me close when I was afraid, fixed everything when I bled, when I cried and when my heart was broken. Every time I stumbled and fell, my mother’s heart shattered into a million little pieces and she was left to pick each one of them up. And she could only pray that I learned from it and experienced growth. Through it all, her commitment and strength were unwavering. She is the bravest person I know.

A daughter’s feelings, thoughts, wishes, expectations, and attitudes have been shaped by the power of her mother’s love for her. And gratitude for this will be with the daughter forever. The sins of the mother are used as lessons to forge the backbone of the daughter. And the almost-grown-up version knows this.

Thank you, Mom. 

There Has To Be More Than This

I was online talking with a dear friend last night, both of us in tears. The conversation was poignant. We discussed medical diagnoses, the toll of an unfulfilling marriage, the pressure of elder care, children (up until now, the raison d'être) moving out and creating their own lives, dissatisfaction with our physical selves, money problems, aches and pains, job woes, and the invisibility of midlife women. We were on a dark and slippery slope into despondency. 

Ever the optimist, I said, “There has to be more to midlife womanhood than this…” And, of course, there is. She said, “What are other women doing?” And, obviously, that’s the bottom line. It’s all about the choices we make…the priorities we choose. THAT is what creating the life we want is really all about – changing our priorities to make room for significance and meaning. We have to focus on what's really important to us.

It’s never too late. We can make a new choice at any time. Who cares if we feel like we’ve misspent the last decade (or two, or more) focusing on the wrong work, the wrong people, the wrong pastimes, the wrong self… Time is in front of us, to spend as we choose. The future beckons - full of potential and possibility. We only have one life. The question is…how do we want to spend it?

 

I have only one life, so I want to make sure it's a good one. ~ Yoko Ono

 

A bit of introspection convinces me that I’ve been making excuses for myself:

I can’t change directions now. Look at the time and effort I’ve invested in my current path!

I’ve given this excuse a lot of power by using it over and over. But it’s such a crock of sh!t. I’m now asking myself, how good is my current path if it isn’t what I want…? And anyway, who’s to say that the investment I’ve made to this point won’t serve some positive purpose on a different path? I’ve learned a lot over the years, all of which knowledge is transferable to other circumstances and situations. I needed that experience to move ahead. 

I might upset people.

Maybe. But if I’m not happy with my direction, am I really helping anyone else anyway? Could changing my direction actually motivate them? Sadly, women tend to live small. We feel okay about it because we figure we probably couldn’t get what we want anyway. So, we just stay in our comfort zones (no matter how depleting) and avoid making the changes we really want to make deep down. We trick ourselves into keeping things just as they are. Maybe I’d be doing someone a favour by taking a stand for living my best life.

I have too many challenges to overcome.

“I can’t afford this change.” “I don’t know how to get from here to there.” “Others are depending on me.” Yeah. All true. And so what? The truth is that if I want this badly enough, I’ll find a way to make it happen. No matter the obstacle, I can work through it. Am I willing to sacrifice? To change my style of living? To give up something in order to gain this? Maybe I won’t be able to have it ALL, but I can decide what is most important to me.  The challenges don’t have to hold me back.

 

So it’s on. I've been thinking and writing about it for too long. I don’t want to be one of those people who keeps talking about making a change but never actually steps into it. I’m moving ahead. We can all build the life we want – and we deserve to live that life. There absolutely can be more, but it’s on each of us to achieve our more. We have to make the change. No one can make it happen for us.