For most of my life, I’ve felt a huge pressure to be something or someone that in my heart, I really wasn’t. Urged in certain directions by those I loved and respected, I just presumed they were correct, and it was me that simply couldn’t feel comfortable walking the “right” path. So often we tell ourselves what we should do or who we should be based on what others believe. I should be a straight “A” student. I should go to university. I really should socialize more. I should be married to a “successful” man. I should have children by now. I should make more money. What a load of shoulds.
Over the years, I put so much pressure on myself that when (and this happened often) I didn’t do everything I believed I should do, I beat myself up over it. Depending on the situation and circumstances, I was always ending up feeling fearful, discouraged, resentful, or guilt-ridden.
I blamed others – my parents, my friends, the school system, boyfriends, even society as a whole – and when I could no longer place the blame outside of myself, I simply blamed me for not being “good enough” to live up to the expectations. But honestly, if so much of who I believed I should be just didn’t line up with who I really was in my heart, what was I doing?
If I take a look at the most significant shoulds in my life, some might think I’ve succeeded. I’ve been a straight A student (and then, out of pure rebellion, I’ve ditched classes and performed badly). I went to university (but I there was no way I was going to enjoy it). Socialize more? (Who? ME?? I’m a huge introvert. Anti-social attitude is my trademark.) I married a man. More than one, in fact (at different times, of course), but seriously, whose definition of ‘successful’ are we talking about here? I had a child (when I was 38). [Please note: the should-ers were right about that one – he’s the biggest blessing of my life.] Money? Okay, I bought into that…for a while...and then I thought, “Whatever for??”… All this should-ing meant that Jekyll & Hyde is me.
What I learned is this: when we put so much pressure on ourselves to succeed at things that aren’t authentic to our hearts, we don’t do more of what will get us closer to that definition of success. In fact, we lose sight of what success really means for us. Let’s face it… It really doesn’t matter how anyone else defines it; success is in the eye of the beholder. If it’s my success, I need to behold it. How can I possibly do that if my lens is warped by shoulds?
When I began to accept myself for who I really was, it immediately became much easier to do what works for me – what resonates authentically in my soul. I could let go of what others think, what my parents, friends and boyfriends think, what society thinks. I could focus on what I believe deep in my heart to be right. Then, and only then, was I able to start living the life I was always meant to live.
So my real success hasn’t been to achieve the shoulds in my life – but to escape them. The fact is that I actually become closer to who I am when I do more of what works for me. I think more clearly and achieve more. And all it took was to see myself for who I am, rather than assessing myself based on others’ analysis of who I should be.
The world will probably never stop should-ing on me. But…
…there will be no more should-ing on myself.
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