Being alone. Just the phrase often evokes fear and anxiety in us. Being alone feels lonely, isolated, unwanted. And when we start feeling like that, our thoughts focus on not belonging, feeling rejected and unloved by others; being alone in the darkness. It can feel pretty intense.
So many of us are horrified at the thought of our own company. Just the idea of being by ourselves, with no one else to talk to, feels devastating. If no one else is there, we’ll have to talk to ourselves. And that would lead to knowing ourselves. The good, the bad, and the ugly. Who wants to look at the bad and the ugly? Not us. So we do everything possible to avoid being alone; we cram our social lives full of events and activities, we work ourselves to the bone in one way or another so that we’re constantly busy, or we self-medicate with food, alcohol and other addictive substances or behaviours. It’s all with the same end result in mind: to escape the pain and darkness of being alone.
And it doesn’t work. We’re still alone. Feeling the dark. Desperately trying to make everyone and everything in our lives find us acceptable, desirable, worthy.
Why do we continually look for self-worth and fulfillment through external forces? It’s crazy. We think a partner will complete us. We believe that a high-status career will prove our success. That lots of friends mean we’re worth something. But none of it’s true. Another person will never complete us. No career will ever prove our worth. No matter how many friends we have or what we use to try to calm ourselves, nothing from outside will ever give us what we need.
The only real way to find happiness and self-worth is from within.
Those of you who read Being Beloved regularly will know that as an extreme introvert, I pretty much treasure my alone time. I can never get enough of it. And sometimes my nearest and dearest are terribly hurt by the fact that I simply HAVE TO be alone – and not with them. This does not mean that I’m a stranger to the overwhelming sensation of feeling alone – even when I’m with other people. In fact, sometimes I feel most alone when I’m surrounded by live bodies. The truth is that while we might feel comforted by the presence of our friends around us, or more distressingly…by unhealthy self-medication, we’re not understanding or facing the true loneliness within. And so any comfort these distractions deliver is nothing but a momentary delusion.
The bottom line is that when we’re alone, we’re frequently in the company of our worst enemy – our own insecurity. Being alone can become the ideal breeding ground for negative, self-critical thoughts. The trick, in my opinion, is not to be afraid of the darkest parts of ourselves. Rather, we need to embrace them. When we face the insecurity that we feel within when we’re completely alone, when we look it straight in the eye, accept it and love it despite it’s shadowy nature, we can walk right into it, fearlessly. Only by loving all of who we really are, will we be able to understand and eventually rise above that insecurity, purge it and fill our hearts with light.
"Confront the dark parts of yourself, and work to banish them with illumination and forgiveness. Your willingness to wrestle with your demons will cause your angels to sing. Use the pain as fuel, as a reminder of your strength.”
~ August Wilson
Looking into the face of our darkest thoughts, and understanding the parts of ourselves that we don't like, or are afraid of, is possibly the most difficult task in life. It’s essential to be able to find the motivation and strength within our hearts to confront those horrifying and unwanted pieces of who we are. It doesn’t work to shove them under the rug. We know they’re there. By acknowledging and confronting them openly, we shine light directly on them, allowing us to see them more clearly. Yes, looking at these pieces of who we are is painful. And dealing with that pain by really feeling it - not denying or numbing ourselves to it - shows incredible courage. It opens the door to feeling compassion and being able to offer forgiveness to those parts of us. In fact, it allows us to understand them, where they come from and what they’ve been doing to protect us. Through understanding, we can accept and even love those parts of who we are.
I believe that we all have the divine within us - that we were created as amazing embodiments of life. We need to embrace that divinity, all of it. As we accept each piece of ourselves – good, bad and ugly – exactly as it is, we learn to love ourselves unconditionally and to honour ourselves as the unique and incredible beings that we are. As we embrace the dark pieces within and offer love and healing to those hurting parts of us, we transform them. The more we accept, confront and love all parts of ourselves, the more we become the whole individuals that we were created to be.
I can’t think of a better reason to face the dark.
And embrace it.
