Earlier today I sat across the table from a dear long-time friend and mentor, cradling a hot tea in my hands with a smile pasted on my face. Not one of my most comfortable moments. It certainly didn’t compare with the morning coffee I’d had one-on-one with another dear friend.
Backing up... I was invited to a small tea party this aft. And the group included several of my friend’s friends. I knew no one. My introverted nature made me anxious, but I was also a bit excited by the opportunity to meet new and interesting people. If my friend loved these women…I knew I might too. Even so, in my typical pre-‘new-people’ jitters, I worried about the impression I would make. I thought: If only I was a couple of inches taller, more-than-a-few pounds lighter, and rockin' a life of fame and fortune, I wouldn't have to worry about what they thought of me. But wait. Hold on a second there, Miss Insecure! To my shock and dismay, I realized that no matter how far my self-esteem has come, it still needs work. With a deep breath, I summoned up my favourite quote:
You are imperfect, permanently and inevitably flawed.
And you are beautiful.
~ Amy Bloom
Arriving at the tea room a little bit after the others, I found them already in the midst of a deep and intimate conversation. Talk stopped as my friend made introductions and a seat was found for me. Beyond the usual niceties of exchanging names and places of residence, I quickly found that many of the women led fascinating lives – from a feminist art collector (so cutting-edge!), to living in a remote and rustic cottage (lucky!) to flying all over the world (also lucky!).
I don’t deny that I was having a good time listening to all the interesting chatter, but in the back of my mind I couldn’t help but wonder how the conversation would flow when people began asking about my life. Having been identified as a ‘gifted’ child, I'd always had trouble living up to my parents’ (and my own) expectations. In reaction to that insecurity, my life’s been made up of deliberate choices that didn’t include status, or money, or fame. And as a result, many people tend to underestimate my value and ability to contribute to the world. I used to silently practice what to say about my life when asked, but frankly, it was rare for the conversation to ever get that far. I can hold my own in a deep discussion, but people tend to instantly judge one another by (and show great interest in) our career status, our wealth, or even our fame…and when I don’t have much to show in any of those areas, I just get a brief look of disappointment, no follow-up questions, and the conversation moves on to the next person. Then I sit silently, fuming about the narrow-minded, idiotic people who live in this culture.
What is it that makes us so judgmental about the lives of others? Too many of us feel judged on our life choices. Who says we can’t we understand someone who chooses to live his or her life contrary to societal norms? Who says we all have to fit into what society deems a "worthy" profession in order to be found valuable and interesting? Who says what's beautiful, worthwhile or valuable? For years these questions have bothered me – and I find them at the forefront of my mind more often than not these days.
I want to represent myself as clearly, concisely and honestly as possible. So as I sat there sipping away at my tea, I listened half-heartedly to the chatter about foreign vacations, recent purchases, work promotions, and children’s achievements - recognizing how very superficial it all was. And I dreaded the moment when my turn to talk would come. If I were to be honest, and they found me lacking, how would I politely express my disappointment in being judged on surface criteria?
When I heard my old friend and mentor say, “Ask Margot about her writing. She hasn't realized it yet, but she’s going to change the world by writing about it,” I almost started to cry. I’d never quite thought of what I write that way. As a means of change. And yet, I recognized that she had just articulated exactly what I want to do. I want to change the world. And who says I can’t? With those simple words, my friend offered proof positive that she believes in me – no matter how often I rebuff status, money and fame.
Without missing a beat, the other women wanted to know all about the changes I hoped to see in our world. I told them. As I described writing pieces I'm planning, one of them asked if I was doing any advocacy work. Flash! A light bulb went on. Dots started connecting. I said, “Not yet. But I’m going to be.” I explained a couple of the projects that have been taking form in my head: empowering ALL women through loving acceptance, increasing our own perception of our individual value, and the autonomy and accountability of choice…to name a few. One woman asked if I did private coaching. Then they were all asking for my business card. [Note to self: Get business cards made.]
I realized, in this rare moment of popularity, that I love being who I am. Who says I don’t have lots to offer? Even the things that seem so natural to me, and therefore so insignificant (to me), matter to others. It’s important that I bring those gifts to the world. It’s important that we all bring our gifts to the world. We each have incredible and unique strengths that can make all the difference.
Leaving the tea room, I felt totally empowered. So the deflated feeling that followed caught me completely unawares. The realization of my own failure to fulfil my lifelong desires, my dreams, sat like lead in my stomach all the way home. But as my husband pointed out to me tonight (for those who are concerned for his life, I'm paraphrasing what he said), it's not over 'til the fat lady sings. And sing I will. There is no time like the present to be who I want to be. That's what I say.
Recognizing my own worth and value, the ability to stand by my convictions, believing in myself…those are the things I want for me – and for every person everywhere. After all, to believe in our best selves is our birthright. We’re each unique. And that’s as it should be, no matter what anyone says.
None of us is perfect. Every one of us is flawed – always and forever... And we’re beautiful.
Who says? Me.
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