I often feel like I don’t “fit”. Not here. Not there. Not anywhere. It’s not like I feel a deep need to fit in…to be honest, I don’t even really see the point. But I have to admit, sometimes it would be nice to feel understood. That’s a very rare circumstance for me.
Over the years I’ve learned to bend enough to look as if I fit in, but in truth, it’s all an illusion. A mirage that takes an incredible amount of energy to maintain. Frankly, it’s exhausting. And as I age, it becomes more and more important to me that I am always my authentic self (read introverted, quirky, and contemplative) rather than conform to this society’s preference for extraverted, quick-acting, and self-oriented individuals. I want to be true to myself.
This above all:
To thine own self be true,
And it must follow, as the night the day,
Thou canst not then be false to any man.~ Shakespeare
So what does it mean to be myself? Good question. What does it mean for any of us to be ourselves? I believe that our truest self comes as we look for answers to the deepest questions of life: Who am I? Why am I here? What is the meaning of life? What is the purpose of human existence? What is the distinction between right and wrong? Who/what is God? What happens when we die? What is time?... So many things to think about. I’ve spent my lifetime (so far) contemplating these things…and it continues. Admittedly, it’s HUGE.
So, to contain my thoughts to my own authenticity, I’ve created a list of what I think I (just me - not necessarily you) really need in my life to be my truest self. It looks like this:
NEW IDEAS TO EXPLORE. If life becomes bland and boring, I wither like a grape on the vine. Exploring each new concept and experience helps me to grow into a better, more complete person. This is an absolute must.
ALONE TIME. There’s a lack of quality time alone in my life. I use it to recharge and rejuvenate. In solitude, I find the meaning in my existence, ruminate about things that keep me on track, and provide the foundation of my entire being. Need more of it.
PURPOSE. I can do pretty much anything I set my mind to. I can even do ‘boring and repetitive’ - almost as well as I can do ‘interesting and challenging’ - but I’ll be unhappy with the mundane unless it’s part of a larger purpose. The thing is…for me to actually be happy, there has to be meaning behind what I’m doing. If I have that, even the most boring task has the ability to fill my soul.
SELF-AWARENESS. When I don’t understand myself - truly, madly, deeply - I feel lost, and I can’t express to others. I have a deep need to know who I am and understand why I do what I do.
DEEP COMMUNICATION. I’m not a party girl. Nor am I a social butterfly. I like in-depth, one-on-one conversations with the intent of mutual understanding. No superficial small talk for this woman. I’m all about exploring feelings, motivations, and getting to the underneath layers of an issue. It scares most people.
A CREATIVE OUTLET. I am seeing this as a terrible lack in my life. I think creatively, and I write (not as much as I should), but I want more. Creative expression is my way to express my deepest feelings and to understand my place in this life - without it, I feel hollow and empty. It’s been an issue. I need to fix this.
FREEDOM. I hate rules. Freaky, but there it is. I’ve always believed that rules are meant to be broken - and frankly, that mindset has caused me a lot of grief in my life. Even after years of having the crap kicked out of me every time I step away from the status quo, I’m still a believer in dreaming big and taking risks. I haven’t been doing it much - especially since my son was born (responsibilities, y’know) - and that leaves me dissatisfied and disappointed in myself. But there is hope for me. I’m coming to realize that showing my son how to deal with getting knocked down (and how to get up, dust off, and keep moving ahead) could be the best thing I’ve ever done for him. Go me!
And there we have it. The most cathartic list I’ve ever made. And look…fitting in isn’t even on it.
So…as I see it, living as my own authentic being means being rooted in my most deep-seated values, acting out my beliefs, and consistently speaking my truth. It’s about living a life that is a true reflection of of these things. Being true to myself through my thoughts, words and actions. It means that I am willing to sacrifice any relationship, situation or circumstance that violates my truth.
Clearly, I know what I need to build a lifestyle that will encourage being myself.
Now to be me.
